OK - So, it has been awhile since I have posted anything, so there is a lot of updating to do.
First of all, I did have a double mastectomy on August 5th. It went just fine, and recovery was surprisingly easy.
That is the good news, the bad news is, I did not dodge the Chemo bullet after all. The tumor was a tad bigger than they thought, 1.7 centimeters, and there was one micro-met in the sentinel node they removed.
It really boils down to a numbers game. It goes like this.
If I had nothing done beyond the mastectomy, I would have about an 85% chance of survivability past 10 years, with about a 30% recurrence rate. If I do chemo, it is 98% survivability past 10 years with a less than 8% chance of recurrence. It really was a simple decision.
I had my second of 8 doses of chemo this last Monday. The third and forth day are the worst for me it seems. Not like in the movies where someone is hurling for hours on in. Just tired, out of it and a bit green around the gills.
Monday I came home from Chemo and took a nice long nap, when I woke up, I ran my fingers through my hair and came up with a hand full of hair. My friend came over that night and used the clippers to cut the rest of my hair off, and I am OK with it! Frankly, I am totally rocking the whole hat and scarf thing!
All in all, I am very lucky, This is completely treatable, I have GREAT family and friends, and it is only for 16 weeks. Then it will be on to perky boobs!! Remember, it is all about the perk!!!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Cancer and Good News
As I pointed out in my first post, there can be 'good' news when it comes to cancer. Today, is one of those good news days! I had an MRI last week, and today my surgeon called to let me know the results. NO NEW STUFF!!!
The MRI didn't show anything we didn't expect to see. No signs of metastasizing nastiness!!
How cool is that??
My surgery is scheduled for August 5th. It will be a double mastectomy. My General Surgeon and my Plastic Surgeon have talked to each other and have laid out a 'plan'. The plan is the General Surgeon will do her thing next week saving as much skin as she can. This will mean I will have wrinkly blobs where my boobs used to be. This is temporary, because about 3 to 4 weeks after this surgery, the Plastic Surgeon takes over and starts on his part. Tissue expanders will go in and we will start stretching out what is left. (For those unfamiliar with this procedure, think of it a bit like your tummy when you are pregnant, it does and will stretch!) Then after we've reached our 'goal', the expanders will come out and implants will go in. About 3 to 4 weeks after the implants have had time to 'settle in', the Doctor will go in and tattoo nipples on,(I've told my husband if he wants we can put smiley faces there instead, he suggested Corvette emblems would work for him. I'm sure he was joking. Well, mostly sure) and do any 'fine tuning' required for optimum perkiness.
I am OK with the wrinkly boob blobs because at 48 I have NO wrinkles and they are temporary!
Temporary is a good thing. Gray hair, wrinkly boob blobs and yes, even cancer, can all be temporary!
Life is pretty darn sweet!
The MRI didn't show anything we didn't expect to see. No signs of metastasizing nastiness!!
How cool is that??
My surgery is scheduled for August 5th. It will be a double mastectomy. My General Surgeon and my Plastic Surgeon have talked to each other and have laid out a 'plan'. The plan is the General Surgeon will do her thing next week saving as much skin as she can. This will mean I will have wrinkly blobs where my boobs used to be. This is temporary, because about 3 to 4 weeks after this surgery, the Plastic Surgeon takes over and starts on his part. Tissue expanders will go in and we will start stretching out what is left. (For those unfamiliar with this procedure, think of it a bit like your tummy when you are pregnant, it does and will stretch!) Then after we've reached our 'goal', the expanders will come out and implants will go in. About 3 to 4 weeks after the implants have had time to 'settle in', the Doctor will go in and tattoo nipples on,(I've told my husband if he wants we can put smiley faces there instead, he suggested Corvette emblems would work for him. I'm sure he was joking. Well, mostly sure) and do any 'fine tuning' required for optimum perkiness.
I am OK with the wrinkly boob blobs because at 48 I have NO wrinkles and they are temporary!
Temporary is a good thing. Gray hair, wrinkly boob blobs and yes, even cancer, can all be temporary!
Life is pretty darn sweet!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Cancer Sucks - Adapt Over Come and Move On!
The word 'cancer' seems to have a strange effect on people.
Some look at you with great pity, as if some how your world has just come crashing down.
Others tell you everything will be OK. My Mother-In-law, bless her heart, is one of those people, and feels the need to say this about every other second. It is not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but I KNOW, it will be OK, you don't need to keep telling me. Be honest, you aren't saying it for me, you are saying it to reassure yourself. Please, reassure yourself quietly. Your constant 'everything will be ok' makes me feel like I have to prop you up, and frankly, I don't have the time or energy for that.
Others seem to think you will want to join some sort of support group or 'cause' group. I am not really a joining kind of gal. I don't begrudge people who want and/or need to join groups, it just isn't my cup of tea. As for 'supporting the cause'? At some point I may get there, but right now, I have an aversion to all things pink. I don't need reminding that I have breast cancer. The energy I have I need to use to keep my kids going, my husband going and my house hold running. I don't have the time, energy or desire to join the cause. Please don't feel the need to shower me with all things pink. Just be a friend and LISTEN. If you listen carefully, you will know when I want to talk about it, and when I don't.
My sister, who is a 5 year survivor of breast cancer (a different kind than mine and her was far more 'serious' than mine is) seems to think that this is all some how HER fault.
Now, I've had people say a LOT of things to me since I was diagnosed. Some of it very sweet, some nice and some amazingly stupid things.
My sister blaming herself for MY cancer is the dumbest thing said to date.
How amazingly self absorbed and arrogant is it to think you have the POWER to GIVE someone else cancer. I was less than gracious when she told me she was sorry and how it was all her fault I have cancer. My exact response was, 'what, did you inject me with something when I wasn't looking that gave me cancer?'
I don't react to stupid stuff very well.
I get the 'genetics' issue, but good grief, crap happens,. My cancer is no more her fault than are my gray hair, which, like cancer, I can 'fix'. Crap happens. that is life. Treading water in the pity pool isn't my cup of tea. If you have some notion that your self absorbed, self pity and misplaced guilt is going to help me cope, you're wrong. Leave me out of it, again, I don't have the time or the energy.
My biggest concern today? It isn't cancer, it is the fact that it is suppose to get to 95 plus degrees, and we, like most people in this area, don't have AC! We melt at 80 degrees, 95 plus may do us in completely!!!
Some look at you with great pity, as if some how your world has just come crashing down.
Others tell you everything will be OK. My Mother-In-law, bless her heart, is one of those people, and feels the need to say this about every other second. It is not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but I KNOW, it will be OK, you don't need to keep telling me. Be honest, you aren't saying it for me, you are saying it to reassure yourself. Please, reassure yourself quietly. Your constant 'everything will be ok' makes me feel like I have to prop you up, and frankly, I don't have the time or energy for that.
Others seem to think you will want to join some sort of support group or 'cause' group. I am not really a joining kind of gal. I don't begrudge people who want and/or need to join groups, it just isn't my cup of tea. As for 'supporting the cause'? At some point I may get there, but right now, I have an aversion to all things pink. I don't need reminding that I have breast cancer. The energy I have I need to use to keep my kids going, my husband going and my house hold running. I don't have the time, energy or desire to join the cause. Please don't feel the need to shower me with all things pink. Just be a friend and LISTEN. If you listen carefully, you will know when I want to talk about it, and when I don't.
My sister, who is a 5 year survivor of breast cancer (a different kind than mine and her was far more 'serious' than mine is) seems to think that this is all some how HER fault.
Now, I've had people say a LOT of things to me since I was diagnosed. Some of it very sweet, some nice and some amazingly stupid things.
My sister blaming herself for MY cancer is the dumbest thing said to date.
How amazingly self absorbed and arrogant is it to think you have the POWER to GIVE someone else cancer. I was less than gracious when she told me she was sorry and how it was all her fault I have cancer. My exact response was, 'what, did you inject me with something when I wasn't looking that gave me cancer?'
I don't react to stupid stuff very well.
I get the 'genetics' issue, but good grief, crap happens,. My cancer is no more her fault than are my gray hair, which, like cancer, I can 'fix'. Crap happens. that is life. Treading water in the pity pool isn't my cup of tea. If you have some notion that your self absorbed, self pity and misplaced guilt is going to help me cope, you're wrong. Leave me out of it, again, I don't have the time or the energy.
My biggest concern today? It isn't cancer, it is the fact that it is suppose to get to 95 plus degrees, and we, like most people in this area, don't have AC! We melt at 80 degrees, 95 plus may do us in completely!!!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Cancer Sucks Part 3, but it aint the end...
I've recieved many notes regarding my post. I am very grateful for them all. If, somewhat baffled. No, I am not baffled that people responded, what is the purpose of writing if people don't react??
It is HOW they responded. It makes me feel as if I need to 'clear things up'.
Cancer is NOT the worst or even scariest, news one can get. Is it scary? Yes, but so is trying on a new pair of jeans when you aren't sure how much weight you've really lost (or gained), or putting your kid on the bus for the very first day of kindergarten.
I consider myself grateful and very lucky that it is NOT worse. A friend of mine,has another gal she knows, her husband died, four short weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer, which by the time they found had spread to much to treat. I am VERY VERY lucky indeed!!
I don't see myself as all that awe inspiring either, not that I don't appreciate the HUGE compliment!! I really do! It is just not how a person usually sees oneself.
Practical, OK, I see that. But awe inspiring?? Nahh, I can see that in a lot of other people.
I am fasinated by new boobs. Yes, one can say, I've even become obsessed with them. What size? What shape? Just how perky will they be or can I get them?? Perky is VERY important!! Can I just grab some 20 something off the street who has a rack I like and take her to my plastic surgeon and say "I want mine to look just like that"! Is there anyway that while you're making my boobs look like hers can we work on my ass, thighs and face too??? (Yes, I am greedy, and I am OK with that!)
I have odd things that pop in and out of my head when it comes to all 'this'. It isn't loosing my boobs that bothers me. (No, I am not in some sort of denile here, it is what it is, I can't change it, so stewing about it isn't going to do any good. OK, I can change it, I am getting NEW PERKY BOOBS, so why dwell on getting rid of the old ones) No, it isn't the boob thing that bothers me, it is things like, going to the hospital with out make up on. No make up, no lotion, no deoderant. I mean seriously, I can deal with being the titless wonder, but no make up too?? Really?? My face and hair are a couple of the things I DO have some measure of control over (we all know hair doesn't always cooperate, so I won't say I have total control over it) why take that from me too???
Shaving! Yes, shaving, I am as manic about that as I am my make up and hair. I just realized that I won't be able to shave my armpits for the better part of two weeks.
Dressing I can work around the lack of boobs. It would be easier if it weren't summer. Sweaters, blazers, scarves, are all very good tools for hiding titlessness. Tank tops are a bit more of a challange! But I can do it.
My friend Cheri is my 'stylist' (I mentioned in my first post about assigning freinds and family to jobs, this is one of those people and her job) Cheri's job is to make sure that I manage to be stylish even if I am titless. (Not really as easy as it sounds, as I am a bit conservitive both in nature and dress, not a condition that lends itself to being a fashionista) Cheri and I have already talked about what we will do if I have to go down the chemo road. I bought a couple of scarves, have worn them, just to get the kids used to seeing them. Should I have to have chem, Cheri will shave my head off. Leaving just my bangs, so that neither the kids, nor I, will have to deal with clumps of hair falling out. I figure it will be some what easier for all of us, if we just shave it off before it has a chance to fall out, then work with scarves and what not. Cheri will also do my hair for me, every couple of days, after surgery so I can still feel decent. (this no shower and shaving thing may send me over the edge)
Wendy, my closest friend, is my Cheif Researcher and Whiner. Her jobs is to find answers to all my questions from 'what exactly is involved in reconstruction?' to 'do they make Nair for arm pits?' She has listend to me cry, whine, rant, scream and rave. She is likely the ONLY person I can do that with in an uncensored way. (My family, husband and kids have enough to deal with. They don't need me melting down on them too) And she is damn good at her job!!!
Tam you met in an earlier post. Her Job is to be my medical translator (docs tend to get very caught up in their techie terms) and hand holder. She also takes the kids if I need it, will drive me to chemo, should it be needed. Like going with me to the biospy, she didn't ASK if I needed this, she merely stated this is what she was going to do. And really?? That is probably a good thing, as I tend to suck at asking for help! I can't say enough about Tam! There is no way I could have gotten through that biospy with out her.
My parents job? Very simple, to let me do the occasional lap in the pity pool, but to NOT let me swim to the middle and tread water!! My parents are the greatest. They are steadfast, stable, (they celebrated their 60th anniversary the week before I was diagnoised) they love me with out question, they let me whine if I need to, they let me cry if I need to, mostly? They are just THERE! Unquestioning, unwavering, always supportive.
My Husband? My husbands job is fairly simple too. Love me! No more, no less. Continue to be the man I married. He hasn't failed me, and I doubt he could. As hard as this is for him, and let's face it, it is no easier on him than it is on me. He has handled it with the sense of grace, dignity and yes, practicallity, that I feel in love with 15+ years ago!
My kids only jobs are to just be themselves. My older two, Shawn 27, and Stephanie 22, are to live their lives as close to 'normal' as they can. They aren't to rearrrange their lives to suit my cancer, that won't work for me and it wont' do them any good. My little ones? Rebecca 11 and Steven 8, are to keep hugging me, kissing me and offering me Stuffies should the need arise. (Yes, those really are my kids ages and I really did give birth to all four of them)
Those kids are the light of my life, the reason I breath.
OK - I suppose that is enough for one Sunday morning! I will see you all later.
Thank you again for all your support! It really means a lot!!
It is HOW they responded. It makes me feel as if I need to 'clear things up'.
Cancer is NOT the worst or even scariest, news one can get. Is it scary? Yes, but so is trying on a new pair of jeans when you aren't sure how much weight you've really lost (or gained), or putting your kid on the bus for the very first day of kindergarten.
I consider myself grateful and very lucky that it is NOT worse. A friend of mine,has another gal she knows, her husband died, four short weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer, which by the time they found had spread to much to treat. I am VERY VERY lucky indeed!!
I don't see myself as all that awe inspiring either, not that I don't appreciate the HUGE compliment!! I really do! It is just not how a person usually sees oneself.
Practical, OK, I see that. But awe inspiring?? Nahh, I can see that in a lot of other people.
I am fasinated by new boobs. Yes, one can say, I've even become obsessed with them. What size? What shape? Just how perky will they be or can I get them?? Perky is VERY important!! Can I just grab some 20 something off the street who has a rack I like and take her to my plastic surgeon and say "I want mine to look just like that"! Is there anyway that while you're making my boobs look like hers can we work on my ass, thighs and face too??? (Yes, I am greedy, and I am OK with that!)
I have odd things that pop in and out of my head when it comes to all 'this'. It isn't loosing my boobs that bothers me. (No, I am not in some sort of denile here, it is what it is, I can't change it, so stewing about it isn't going to do any good. OK, I can change it, I am getting NEW PERKY BOOBS, so why dwell on getting rid of the old ones) No, it isn't the boob thing that bothers me, it is things like, going to the hospital with out make up on. No make up, no lotion, no deoderant. I mean seriously, I can deal with being the titless wonder, but no make up too?? Really?? My face and hair are a couple of the things I DO have some measure of control over (we all know hair doesn't always cooperate, so I won't say I have total control over it) why take that from me too???
Shaving! Yes, shaving, I am as manic about that as I am my make up and hair. I just realized that I won't be able to shave my armpits for the better part of two weeks.
Dressing I can work around the lack of boobs. It would be easier if it weren't summer. Sweaters, blazers, scarves, are all very good tools for hiding titlessness. Tank tops are a bit more of a challange! But I can do it.
My friend Cheri is my 'stylist' (I mentioned in my first post about assigning freinds and family to jobs, this is one of those people and her job) Cheri's job is to make sure that I manage to be stylish even if I am titless. (Not really as easy as it sounds, as I am a bit conservitive both in nature and dress, not a condition that lends itself to being a fashionista) Cheri and I have already talked about what we will do if I have to go down the chemo road. I bought a couple of scarves, have worn them, just to get the kids used to seeing them. Should I have to have chem, Cheri will shave my head off. Leaving just my bangs, so that neither the kids, nor I, will have to deal with clumps of hair falling out. I figure it will be some what easier for all of us, if we just shave it off before it has a chance to fall out, then work with scarves and what not. Cheri will also do my hair for me, every couple of days, after surgery so I can still feel decent. (this no shower and shaving thing may send me over the edge)
Wendy, my closest friend, is my Cheif Researcher and Whiner. Her jobs is to find answers to all my questions from 'what exactly is involved in reconstruction?' to 'do they make Nair for arm pits?' She has listend to me cry, whine, rant, scream and rave. She is likely the ONLY person I can do that with in an uncensored way. (My family, husband and kids have enough to deal with. They don't need me melting down on them too) And she is damn good at her job!!!
Tam you met in an earlier post. Her Job is to be my medical translator (docs tend to get very caught up in their techie terms) and hand holder. She also takes the kids if I need it, will drive me to chemo, should it be needed. Like going with me to the biospy, she didn't ASK if I needed this, she merely stated this is what she was going to do. And really?? That is probably a good thing, as I tend to suck at asking for help! I can't say enough about Tam! There is no way I could have gotten through that biospy with out her.
My parents job? Very simple, to let me do the occasional lap in the pity pool, but to NOT let me swim to the middle and tread water!! My parents are the greatest. They are steadfast, stable, (they celebrated their 60th anniversary the week before I was diagnoised) they love me with out question, they let me whine if I need to, they let me cry if I need to, mostly? They are just THERE! Unquestioning, unwavering, always supportive.
My Husband? My husbands job is fairly simple too. Love me! No more, no less. Continue to be the man I married. He hasn't failed me, and I doubt he could. As hard as this is for him, and let's face it, it is no easier on him than it is on me. He has handled it with the sense of grace, dignity and yes, practicallity, that I feel in love with 15+ years ago!
My kids only jobs are to just be themselves. My older two, Shawn 27, and Stephanie 22, are to live their lives as close to 'normal' as they can. They aren't to rearrrange their lives to suit my cancer, that won't work for me and it wont' do them any good. My little ones? Rebecca 11 and Steven 8, are to keep hugging me, kissing me and offering me Stuffies should the need arise. (Yes, those really are my kids ages and I really did give birth to all four of them)
Those kids are the light of my life, the reason I breath.
OK - I suppose that is enough for one Sunday morning! I will see you all later.
Thank you again for all your support! It really means a lot!!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Cancer Sucks Part 2
So mastectomy it will be, and I've chosen to have a double. (this seems to shock more than a few people). My reasons are very simple. One, I do NOT want to go through this again. Two, I want new boobs! It is easier to make a match set if they are starting from scratch rather than trying to make a new one look like the remaining old one. Seriously, 48 years old, four kids, who wouldn't want a new set?
I wont' know about having to have chemo until after the surgery and the lymph node biopsy. My understanding is that I may be lucky, again, in not having to go down that chemical road. Of course, I am a 'prepare for the worst, hope for the best' kind of gal, so I am making preparations, just in case.
It was telling my kids that has been the hardest part. Specially the little ones. LOL, I should have known better. The little ones, Rebecca (11) and Steven (8) have handled it better than anyone. Rebecca and I talk about how we will be growing boobs together! How is that for Mother Daughter Bonding??? I do feel sorry for my hubby, two hormonal gals with growing boobs under the same roof?? ACK!! Steven just wants to know if I need one of his "Stuffies" (stuffed animals) to go to the hospital with me, and if it is time to eat again. Aren't kids great? Tell them stuff, be straight with them, and it is all good. (Note: the problems always start with you try to talk down to kids and/or assume that because they are mere kids, they won't get it. Kids are MUCH smarter than people give them credit for)
I have lined up everything. Day care, driving, post op care, appointments with plastic surgeon and oncologist and on and on. Now all I have to do is wait. I am not good at waiting. I am not really genetically programed for it. So all I can do now, is try and keep busy and not THINK!! Thinking is BAD BAD BAD!!!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Cancer Sucks Part One
Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Gods, doesn't that sound dreadful? OK, it is. I'm not going to lie. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is breast cancer. In my case, I am lucky, very lucky! (luck isn't something one usually thinks about when it comes to cancer) I found the lump myself, I went to the doctors with in 3 days of finding and it is VERY small and 100% treatable and curable.
That is the day that changed my life. No, I am not going to get all sappy and go on about second chances or finding myself, or having some Divine revelation. I am going to tell you the good, the bad and the ugly. If you've ever read my stuff, you know I am not one to be sappy, or sugar coat anything. I sure as heck am not going to start now.
OK - so I found a lump, (I always wondered if I would know a lump or oddity in my breast if I found one, trust me, you know!! At least you will if you check your breast frequently and are familiar with what feels normal for you. Check yourself, I can't stress this enough) I knew the lump was bad, I'm a reasonably smart gal. I went to the docs, she sent me off for an Ultra Sound and loe and behold, there is was. Of course, on the screen it looked HUGE, but it isn't. Less then a centimeter. In Cancer Speak, that is REALLY good.
Now, I had no illusions, I saw that screen, I saw that ominous black blob, I 'knew' it was bad, there was no way I could have convinced myself otherwise. Of course the look on the face of the Radiology Doctor and the Ultra Sound tech didn't exactly do much to dissuade me either.
I was sent to another room, where a biopsy was scheduled for the following week.
Some how, and I don't really know how, I managed to keep myself together long enough to make the 15 mile drive home. On the way home, I called my husband to give him a heads up, then called my friend Tamara and told her I needed a friend. I gave her a brief run down, and she said come over as soon as you can!
I got home, parked the car, took a deep breath, went in and face my husband. What a dear man he is. He simple said, '"No problem, we will just Adapt, Over Come and Move On!" One of the reasons I love him so much, he is a very practical man, and I love practical!!
Next I went to Tamara. Now, it should be noted, if it isn't painfully obvious, I am not really your average "OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING" drama kinda gal. I am not prone to melt downs or hysterics. I tend to face issues head on and with both feet firmly planted. This doesn't mean I don't have melt downs, I am human, just means I am not a Drama Queen who lives for them.
Getting to Tamara, was the exception to that rule. I fell apart. I was in a safe environment, my kids were occupied, no one else was around, so I went completely to pieces. And Tamara, bless her heart, let me. A few minutes later, when I had managed to get out all the details of what had taken place and what was coming, she didn't even pause, she announced she would go to the biopsy with me!
She didn't ask, she TOLD me she was going!! God bless her!! It hadn't occurred to me that I might not want to do that alone, nor that I might not be able to do it alone. She just told me she was going, and I thought "OK that works".
Little did we know how much that would come to mean to me.
The following week came, and Tam and I loaded up and headed to the appointment. I was a bit of a nervous wreak, mostly because I SUCK at waiting, time on my hands means time to think, thinking is bad!!!! (Daddy tells me still, to not think because it either gets me in trouble or cost money)
They get me in the room where the biopsy is going to happen, they numb up my breast and start. Tam is holding my hand and off we go. Sounds simple doesn't it. Yeah, well it wasn't. It seems I am one of those one in several thousand people who is resistant to local anaesthetic. So when the doc went to take the first sample of the Evil Black Blob on the Screen, I screamed. OMG did I scream, then I cried and begged for them to stop! (they had, but I was in too much pain to notice) it felt like someone had used some sort of clamp on my boob then ripped off my nipple. The added more of what ever the drug was, a LOT more, then managed to get two more samples from the 'big' Ugly Black Blob on the Screen. (Did I mention there were two? One was behind the other, the US tech and Doc had names for them "Big Guy and Little Guy" I asked them to change the name since I have a tendency to call my son Little Man and really didn't want the image of my son and the Big Ugly Black Blob on the Screen in the same space in my head)
I sobbed through the whole thing, I cried, sobbed, begged and wanted out. Tam, again bless her heart, held my hand, wiped the tears and runny mascara off my face, and got me through it. When we were done, she wrapped my breast in the ace they provided, put the ice pack where I needed it, and got me home and settled in for the evening. I was totally wiped out.
Tam told me later, she may have told me sooner, but to be honest, after the initial sample was taken and that whole 'ripped my nipple off' thing, my memory gets a bit fuzzy. Pain was all I was thinking about, the doc and US tech were horrified by what happened. I remember Pat, the US Tech, apologizing, poor thing was practically in tears over it. I feel bad for her, it wasn't her fault, wasn't the docs fault, crap happens.
Anyway, several days later I got the results to the test, yeah, it is cancer, so I made the phone calls I needed to make. To my parents a couple of friends, and of course my husband.
We will pick up there later...
This is a journey folks, it isn't always pretty, it isn't always ugly, it is what it is. I invite you to take it with me!
Next I will talk about 'Job Assignments' and getting your friends and family though it.
That is the day that changed my life. No, I am not going to get all sappy and go on about second chances or finding myself, or having some Divine revelation. I am going to tell you the good, the bad and the ugly. If you've ever read my stuff, you know I am not one to be sappy, or sugar coat anything. I sure as heck am not going to start now.
OK - so I found a lump, (I always wondered if I would know a lump or oddity in my breast if I found one, trust me, you know!! At least you will if you check your breast frequently and are familiar with what feels normal for you. Check yourself, I can't stress this enough) I knew the lump was bad, I'm a reasonably smart gal. I went to the docs, she sent me off for an Ultra Sound and loe and behold, there is was. Of course, on the screen it looked HUGE, but it isn't. Less then a centimeter. In Cancer Speak, that is REALLY good.
Now, I had no illusions, I saw that screen, I saw that ominous black blob, I 'knew' it was bad, there was no way I could have convinced myself otherwise. Of course the look on the face of the Radiology Doctor and the Ultra Sound tech didn't exactly do much to dissuade me either.
I was sent to another room, where a biopsy was scheduled for the following week.
Some how, and I don't really know how, I managed to keep myself together long enough to make the 15 mile drive home. On the way home, I called my husband to give him a heads up, then called my friend Tamara and told her I needed a friend. I gave her a brief run down, and she said come over as soon as you can!
I got home, parked the car, took a deep breath, went in and face my husband. What a dear man he is. He simple said, '"No problem, we will just Adapt, Over Come and Move On!" One of the reasons I love him so much, he is a very practical man, and I love practical!!
Next I went to Tamara. Now, it should be noted, if it isn't painfully obvious, I am not really your average "OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING" drama kinda gal. I am not prone to melt downs or hysterics. I tend to face issues head on and with both feet firmly planted. This doesn't mean I don't have melt downs, I am human, just means I am not a Drama Queen who lives for them.
Getting to Tamara, was the exception to that rule. I fell apart. I was in a safe environment, my kids were occupied, no one else was around, so I went completely to pieces. And Tamara, bless her heart, let me. A few minutes later, when I had managed to get out all the details of what had taken place and what was coming, she didn't even pause, she announced she would go to the biopsy with me!
She didn't ask, she TOLD me she was going!! God bless her!! It hadn't occurred to me that I might not want to do that alone, nor that I might not be able to do it alone. She just told me she was going, and I thought "OK that works".
Little did we know how much that would come to mean to me.
The following week came, and Tam and I loaded up and headed to the appointment. I was a bit of a nervous wreak, mostly because I SUCK at waiting, time on my hands means time to think, thinking is bad!!!! (Daddy tells me still, to not think because it either gets me in trouble or cost money)
They get me in the room where the biopsy is going to happen, they numb up my breast and start. Tam is holding my hand and off we go. Sounds simple doesn't it. Yeah, well it wasn't. It seems I am one of those one in several thousand people who is resistant to local anaesthetic. So when the doc went to take the first sample of the Evil Black Blob on the Screen, I screamed. OMG did I scream, then I cried and begged for them to stop! (they had, but I was in too much pain to notice) it felt like someone had used some sort of clamp on my boob then ripped off my nipple. The added more of what ever the drug was, a LOT more, then managed to get two more samples from the 'big' Ugly Black Blob on the Screen. (Did I mention there were two? One was behind the other, the US tech and Doc had names for them "Big Guy and Little Guy" I asked them to change the name since I have a tendency to call my son Little Man and really didn't want the image of my son and the Big Ugly Black Blob on the Screen in the same space in my head)
I sobbed through the whole thing, I cried, sobbed, begged and wanted out. Tam, again bless her heart, held my hand, wiped the tears and runny mascara off my face, and got me through it. When we were done, she wrapped my breast in the ace they provided, put the ice pack where I needed it, and got me home and settled in for the evening. I was totally wiped out.
Tam told me later, she may have told me sooner, but to be honest, after the initial sample was taken and that whole 'ripped my nipple off' thing, my memory gets a bit fuzzy. Pain was all I was thinking about, the doc and US tech were horrified by what happened. I remember Pat, the US Tech, apologizing, poor thing was practically in tears over it. I feel bad for her, it wasn't her fault, wasn't the docs fault, crap happens.
Anyway, several days later I got the results to the test, yeah, it is cancer, so I made the phone calls I needed to make. To my parents a couple of friends, and of course my husband.
We will pick up there later...
This is a journey folks, it isn't always pretty, it isn't always ugly, it is what it is. I invite you to take it with me!
Next I will talk about 'Job Assignments' and getting your friends and family though it.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Total Frustration
OK - am I the only one totally frustrated with what is going on these days??
We are being lectured about having to sacrifice, cut back on everything from going to movies, driving, general spending. We are being told to conserve our money as well as our energy usage.
Yet, in the White House, it is party central every Wednesday. Conga lines, drinking, boozing and general merriment, while "We the People" tighten our belts, squeeze pennies dry and make all manner of 'sacrifice'.
I did not like the rapid spending of the last 8 years, but good grief, Obama & Co. has already spent, by one estimate, more in the last 5 weeks than Bush & Co. spent in the last seven years!! Yet all of the sudden, 'spending like drunken sailors' is OK.
Where does it stop? When will Obama & Co. make the same sacrifices we are expected to?
When will We the People stand up and say "ENOUGH ALREADY!!!"??
When will We the People require of our elected officials to behave in the same manner they require of us??
I don't mind tightening my belt. Heck, I am a penny pincher from way back. I don't mind making sacrifices. I am a Mom, I've been sacrificing one thing or another for the last 27 years.
All I am asking is that our elected officials make the same sacrifices.
They don't need a fleet of energy efficient cars.
They don't need a party every Wednesday night.
They don't need to spend...(most recent budget package from congress)
"$950,000 to convert a railroad bridge over the Hudson River into a walkway in Poughkeepsie."
"$1.7 million for "Swine Odor and Manure Management Research."
"$200,000 for a "tattoo-removal violence-outreach program" in Los Angeles."
"$475,000 to "improve and expand" the Italian American Museum in Little Italy."
Or any of the "Earmarks totaled at least $3.8 billion - a figure used by the House Appropriations Committee." (From an article by By GEOFF EARLE and DAPHNE RETTER, NY Post Correspondents)
One estimate for the last stimulus package, said that the government could have paid off 90% of ALL mortgages in this country. Imagine what THAT would have done for the economy? And that doesn't even include the above referenced budget!
What would happen to We the People if we spent what we didn't have like the government?
We are being lectured about having to sacrifice, cut back on everything from going to movies, driving, general spending. We are being told to conserve our money as well as our energy usage.
Yet, in the White House, it is party central every Wednesday. Conga lines, drinking, boozing and general merriment, while "We the People" tighten our belts, squeeze pennies dry and make all manner of 'sacrifice'.
I did not like the rapid spending of the last 8 years, but good grief, Obama & Co. has already spent, by one estimate, more in the last 5 weeks than Bush & Co. spent in the last seven years!! Yet all of the sudden, 'spending like drunken sailors' is OK.
Where does it stop? When will Obama & Co. make the same sacrifices we are expected to?
When will We the People stand up and say "ENOUGH ALREADY!!!"??
When will We the People require of our elected officials to behave in the same manner they require of us??
I don't mind tightening my belt. Heck, I am a penny pincher from way back. I don't mind making sacrifices. I am a Mom, I've been sacrificing one thing or another for the last 27 years.
All I am asking is that our elected officials make the same sacrifices.
They don't need a fleet of energy efficient cars.
They don't need a party every Wednesday night.
They don't need to spend...(most recent budget package from congress)
"$950,000 to convert a railroad bridge over the Hudson River into a walkway in Poughkeepsie."
"$1.7 million for "Swine Odor and Manure Management Research."
"$200,000 for a "tattoo-removal violence-outreach program" in Los Angeles."
"$475,000 to "improve and expand" the Italian American Museum in Little Italy."
Or any of the "Earmarks totaled at least $3.8 billion - a figure used by the House Appropriations Committee." (From an article by By GEOFF EARLE and DAPHNE RETTER, NY Post Correspondents)
One estimate for the last stimulus package, said that the government could have paid off 90% of ALL mortgages in this country. Imagine what THAT would have done for the economy? And that doesn't even include the above referenced budget!
What would happen to We the People if we spent what we didn't have like the government?
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